pounds

I've gained since we started the biz. Here's how day one of the boot

camp diet

went... 
 

6:30 am: Wake up. Lining of mouth has turned inside out from

dehydration from my

"Last Stand New Year's Drinking Fest" over the last three days. 

6:45 am: Look for Little Debbie Snack Cakes.  Find that evil, plotting

WTP

(Wife-Type-Person) has purged all the real food.Forced to choose Whole

Irish

Oats instead. No sugar allowed. But I can sprinkle cinnamon on for

flavor.

Joyous, but I decide to pass. 

6:58 am: Curse the old man down the street for drinking a diet coke. 

6:59 am: Arrive at the office and immediately start looking for real

food. 

7:01 am: Curse the WTP for putting me in this horrible situation. No

food

anywhere. 

7:12 am: Third glass of water. It tastes like shit. My head is

pounding. 

7:25 am: Head back home to eat breakfast with WTP. "Oatmeal and Eggs"

It

somehow sounds more appetizing over the phone. 

7:34 am: I am finished with my 3 tablespoons of newspaper shavings and

my

hard-boiled egg (white part only) in about 90 seconds. For the first

time ever,

the dogs don't bother with begging food off me. 

7:50 am: While WTP is in the shower, I forage for food. Unable to find

any, I

start eyeing the dog food bin. 

10:35 am: Seventh huge glass of water. My eyes are starting to leak a

little. 

10:45 am: Head to our first "boot camp" class. This is a high-intensity

workout regimen designed to jump start your metabolism and your path to

weight

loss. The instructor is Julia,  a competitive body-builder, personal

trainer

and karate champion. She has a lot of energy and is running around a

lot. I

want to punch her in the nose, but I'm afraid she'll kick my ass. I

weigh

in at 200.05. 

10:58 am: Everyone seems to know what they are doing. I manage to get

my

heart-rate monitor strapped on just as class is starting. (It should be

noted

that my target heart rate is 170 High and 127 low. 

11:00 am: Before I know what is happening, I am in a room with 8 women

and 1 guy

running in place and doing jumping jacks. I manage to get a glimpse of

my

HRM just as it passes 158. Curiously, I am the only one that has a

puddle of

sweat beneath me. 

11:04 am: Julia is saying things like "gentle warm-up" and "ease into

it" as I start to grow dizzy. I have the coordination of Jabba the

Hutt. When

everyone jumps left, I go right. When they go up, I go down. Julia is

jumping

around like a spider monkey. Target Heart Rate Achieved! The room is

spinning. 

11:06 am: During our one minute "cool down" I sneak into the other room

to

vomit. As I reenter the room Julia is asking if everyone's rate is back

down

to their low side. Mine gets back down to 189 just as i pee all over

myself

from all the water I've been drinking. 

11:36 am:  I have managed to make it through most of the class by

secretly

stopping every moment the spider monkey looks away. I am skating on the

edge

of death. If Julia catches me, she'll certainly karate-chop my arms

off. That

is if my heart doesn?t bust out of my chest first. My HRM is showing

219. I

think I am hemorrhaging somewhere. 

11:43 am: My HRM is showing ERROR just as I start to see a bright light

and hear

the voice of my beloved dead grandmother coming out of the heavy bag. 

11:56 am: We go into our "cool down." 16 sets of hamstrings, 12 sets of

squats, too many abs to remember. She should change the name to "Death

Camp." 

11:59 am: We all come to the middle like football players and cross

hands. As

everyone shouts "First Day!" I shout "Go to Hell!" 

12:15 pm: Arrive home for lunch. The three block drive took 15 minutes

because I

had trouble seeing through the blood in my eyes. MMMMM. I'm hungry.

Tuna

Salad! (Tuna & Egg Whites...No Flavor, errr I mean no Mayo.) 

12:18 pm: After finishing my bowl, realize I am licking it clean and

pushing it

across the table with my nose like Abby does with her dog bowl. I drown

my

shame in a glass of water. 

12:50 pm: Look longingly at the Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie wrapper

in my

trash can. Contemplate scraping the wrapper for any food residue. 

1:45 pm: Water again.I notice while chewing on a pen that it tastes a

lot like

steak. I secretly savor the flavor while lovingly suckling the pen. 

1:47 pm: WTP asks why I have ink all over my face and mouth. I say

"What

Steak?" And shrug my shoulders. 

2:24 pm: More water. I'm buying stock in a catheter company. 

2:48 Snacktime! I never thought plain lowfat cottage cheese could taste

so good.

I enjoy my two teaspoons for every bit of seven seconds. 

3:04 pm: Head to a movie. By now, I hate everyone including the WTP. 

3:15 pm: I bypass the popcorn stand and choose to suck on a piece of

sugarless

gum for three hours instead. We're watching "Memoirs of a Geisha." It's

an amazing movie, but it's a little hard to watch when everyone is

running

around looking like those roasted turkeys with feet that Sylvester the

Cat used

to see on the Bugs Bunny show. 

6:04 pm: The movie is over, but I have been in the bathroom peeing for

9 minutes

because of all the water. 

6:20 pm: We finally head home. I think I have a blister down there from

peeing

so much. 

6:50 pm: Time for a "Sensible Dinner" I am so excited. 

6:55 pm: I settle in for a piece of lightly seasoned chicken and four

florets of

steamed broccoli(with butter spray). I quietly curse the WTP and offer

to clean

up since she cooked. While she is in the other room, I secretly lick

the

chicken pan drippings. Oh sweet chicken fat with pepper and lemon only. 

7:10 pm: As I walk back to the living room, I notice that my legs

aren't

working properly. 

8:12 pm: I decide to go to bed as I want to use my remaining energy to

assure

breathing while asleep...drinking water along the way. 

9:47 pm: I wake up to go pee and realize my body has been replaced by a

large

beached whale. I crawl to the bathroom and hoist myself up to the

toilet

sitting down to pee as i have no energy to stand. 

10:53 pm. Wake up and crawl to the bathroom to get ready for work. I am

on my

knees turning on the bathtub faucet when WTP asks what I am doing.

"Getting

ready for work" I say. "It's only 11:04pm" she says (Yes, it took me 7

minutes to crawl to the tub). "Committing suicide?" I thoughtfully

reply.

"Let me join you she says." 

3:41 am: After waking up six more times to pee, I secretly bring a

kitchen

funnel, a dish towel and a roasting pan to the bedroom and hide it

under the

bed. I'm too tired to pull myself into the bed once again, so I lie

down

beside my dog Tipper. He growls at me as I attempt a painful snuggle. I

think

he noticed me eating his dog food. 

5:45 a.m. Head to the next class. I weigh in at 198.5. The spider

monkey is

jumping around talking about chocolate protein whey and "kicking it up

a

notch." I start to inform her about what I'll be kicking up a notch

when I

remember the picture of her on the wall picking up a car. 

To be continued... 
 
 
 
 

--

Gregg Boling :: Partner

Firecracker

203 North Eleventh Street

Nashville, TN 37206